when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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