i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Are we still banned from the library?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
