i just wanna soil my oats bro
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
