You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
