Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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