My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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