Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
