Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
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