I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
