I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
