So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
