nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
