Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
