Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
