I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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