Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
