Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
