my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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