you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
