Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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