Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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