wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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