If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
