Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
