He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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