I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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