she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
