You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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