i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
