there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
