Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
