you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
