the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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