I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
