Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
