I wish I could teleport
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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