I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
