every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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