So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
