On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
