i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
