Someone shit on the floor
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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