I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
