You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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