Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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