I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
