can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
