I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
