good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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