I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
