found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
